Hey members of hashtag-Gamergate! I heard you guys are fighting for ethics in video game journalism and favor more objective reviews of games! Okay! Here you go!...
Resident Evil 5:
This is game number five from the Resident Evil series. The main character shoots people.
10/10
Bioshock: Infinite:
This is game number three from the Bioshock series. The main character shoots people. Also, you have a female sidekick who helps you out, or something. Philosophical lessons are presented.
9/10 (for attempted education)
Little Big Planet:
This game has bright colors!
10/10
Tomb Raider:
Lara Croft origin story. She's more like a realistic woman now.
7/10 (no short-shorts)
Grand Theft Auto IV:
Your character commits various acts of violence. There are little to no consequences.
10/10
Assassin's Creed:
This is a game.
10/10
DmC: Devil May Cry:
This is also a game.
10/10
Depression Quest:
We aren't sure if this was a game. There were no guns, and we believe some kind of lesson was presented.
1/10
The Last of Us:
This is a survival game. The main character shoots people. also, you have a female sidekick who helps you out, or something. Philosophical lessons are presented.
9/10 (for attempted education)
"Wait John. Did you just copy and paste that review of The Last of Us from your review of Bioshock: Infinite?"
"Don't question me, George. I'm an OBJECTIVE JOURNALIST, DAMMIT!"
Just Dance:
Just dance.
2/10 (because, exercise)
Destiny:
It's cool.
10/10
"Hey John, that last review of yours wasn't very 'objective'."
"REALLY GEORGE, JUST SHUT UP!"
How can you have "objective" reviews? Isn't every review an authors opinion on something Thus.."subjective"? Hellooooo?!
Hashtag Gamergate has no sense.
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
Sunday, October 19, 2014
My 8 Scariest Video Game Moments
I love video games...most of the time. One of the only times when I don't love video games is when they scare the crap out of me. I was more prone to jump scares and creepy images when I was a baby-geek, but even now, in my 20s, some elements developers put in games still have the ability to make my hairs stand up...just a bit.
So because October is the month of spookiness, and Halloween-themed articles/lists, I am going to share some of the most scary moments I have experienced in video games.
#8. Grand Theft Auto: Literally every mission where sh*t gets real!
I know, I know. This isn't actually something that is really scary, but honestly, this raises some anxiety for me. Allof the GTA titles I have played are pretty much the same: you're a thug, you get weapons, you drive vehicles dangerously, you kill random people, and you beat up nice ladies (prostitutes) for money (VALUES!). However, if you actually like to play the game with intentions of going through an actual story, [you're boring, and] you'll find that the missions your bosses (bosses?) give you increase in difficulty. The threat of being caught, by either the police or rival gang members, is nerve-racking. And when your enemy catches you, you know they won't keep you alive. But hey, at least getting "wasted" only winds you up in the hospital for a brief moment, AND you can die as many times as you want (sans your weapons). The health care in Liberty City is great!
#7. Kingdom Hearts: The "devil"
The first time I played Kingdom Hearts was also the first time I had laid my hands on a PS2, period. Obviously, the graphics were new and exciting to see, so of course I was amazed (terrified) to see this arise from the Hell...
But..how does it eat?
This thing is actually called the Darkside, but I didn't know that at the time. My first reaction was: Devil!...devil. And to be fair, it really does look like a demon, or some kind of soul-gathering-no-good...thing. It's a good thing this guy was easy to kill.
#6. Resident Evil 4: The Villagers
Welcome to the Uncanny Valley, where otherwise familiar things adopt an unfamiliar air to them which creeps you out. In this case, it is the villagers in Resident Evil 4 that gave me the heebie-jeebies (am I..spelling that correctly?). The first time you encounter one of these villagers, he seems like a normal disgruntled, pale, man...oh wait, he's trying to kill you.
Why?! It doesn't matter, kill it!!! Later, you find out the whole town is infected and wants you dead. Even after encountering all the other ungodly creatures in town, nothing is more unsettling than those zombie-ish citizens.
There is no Santiago, only ZUUL!
Why?! It doesn't matter, kill it!!! Later, you find out the whole town is infected and wants you dead. Even after encountering all the other ungodly creatures in town, nothing is more unsettling than those zombie-ish citizens.
#5. Call of Cthulhu: Dark Corners of the Earth: More villagers?...MORE VILLAGERS???!!!
Yes, speaking of villagers, this game also has evil villagers who want you dead. From the first time you meet one of these people, you can tell there is something...off...about them. They look extra, EXTRA creepy.
Sure, they "welcome you", but that's only because they secretly want to slit your throat 'cuz yer an outsider! Two guys try to break into your room to murder you, but you are unarmed. The only option: RUN AND HIDE! And as if the anxiety isn't enough for you, this game is in first-person. Also, your character's "vision" becomes blurry and distorted whenever he is under extreme stress; it's as if you're actually being hunted in real life. FUN! I can barely describe the fear I felt while experiencing this part of the game, so I only hope you pick up the feeling while watching the video (or just go out, be bold, and rent the game).
Uh...hi.
#4. Bioshock: Infinite: The Patriots
We will stand for nothing less than racism!
An animatronic George Washington, with dead, robot eyes, and a crank gun come out of nowhere shooting at you while quoting the U.S. Constitution. This image is either awesome or terrifying given your state of mind. I wasn't prepared for it, so it scared the bejeezus out of me (that crank gun is awesome though).
Sup.
#2. Resident Evil 2: Everything.
As a child, zombies were the monsters that scared me the most. I already abhorred things dealing with death like funerals and cemeteries, so the image of people coming back from the dead was definitely not. my. thing. (Fun fact: I used to actually believe the process of life was: birth, live, die, rise from the grave, walk around for a bit, go back in the ground).
Zombies were already invading my everyday life, appearing in movies, television shows, and even MICHAEL JACKSON MUSIC VIDEOS (he absolutely ruined zombies for me).
So, the first time I saw the trailer for Resident Evil 2 (I had never heard of the first Resident Evil), I was like, "AW HELL NAW! THESE FUCKERS ARE INVADING MY VIDEO GAMES, TOO?!" Needless to say, I was NOT about that life... Also, I've never actually played the game...for good reason.
"Run away!...but not before they finish their routine.!"
So, the first time I saw the trailer for Resident Evil 2 (I had never heard of the first Resident Evil), I was like, "AW HELL NAW! THESE FUCKERS ARE INVADING MY VIDEO GAMES, TOO?!" Needless to say, I was NOT about that life... Also, I've never actually played the game...for good reason.
#1. Bioshock: Welcome to Rapture/Sander Cohen
Alright, so this #1 spot is actually a bit of a cheat because it's a double-whammy. But to be fair, you must admit that Bioshock is a spectacular game, so it was hard to pick just one scary moment.
The first unsettling part is in the beginning of the game where you first enter the underwater city of Rapture. You enter an office while still inside your pod, but upon arrival you witness someone (or something) murder another man. This...thing...notices you are there and begins attacking your pod, trying to get inside. "Uhm...what the hell, Game? I have no weapons yet!" Eventually the creature does stop, but when your pod opens and you are free to walk around the office, you still have no weapons. Play the rest of the game to find out what happens next.
#notAtlantis
The other creepy sequence in this game involves a pure psychopath named Sander Cohen. He is an artist...with a twist! (spoilers: he tortures and kills people.) Mr. Creepy Cohen sends you on a wild goose chase to kill his former colleagues so that he can collect pictures of their dead bodies, adding them to his "masterpiece".
If that's not freaky enough for you, the splicer that you have to fight in Cohen's area are simply the worst. When you first see them, they seem like inanimate mannequins, but SURPRISE! They're gonna get 'cha!
The overall worst part about Cohen is that he is so unpredictable. He's almost too unpredictable. One second he's like "hello, Clarice! Please have some wine!" The next second, he's like "DIIIIIEEEE!" And to top it all off, he looks like this:
Happy Halloweengivingmas!
Nope, nope, nope.
If that's not freaky enough for you, the splicer that you have to fight in Cohen's area are simply the worst. When you first see them, they seem like inanimate mannequins, but SURPRISE! They're gonna get 'cha!
The overall worst part about Cohen is that he is so unpredictable. He's almost too unpredictable. One second he's like "hello, Clarice! Please have some wine!" The next second, he's like "DIIIIIEEEE!" And to top it all off, he looks like this:
Lovely.
Happy Halloweengivingmas!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)